In 2010 at Blue Morpho Tours in Iquitos, Peru, I experienced my first metaphysical transformation with sacred geometry that caused me to release ayahuasca retreat a long held compressing emotion of fear that manifested in my throat and finances. Fear felt like a brace around my neck internally and externally in which the inside brace pushed outward forcing my throat wider while the external brace pushed inward like a shrinking band. I often had difficulty speaking due to this phenomenon, and as a member of a choir, I could not sing longer than an hour as my voice would go hoarse even if I was hydrated. Fear was a literal ball and chain around my throat and neck.
Prior to my visit to the Amazon forest, I lost a ayahuasca retreats significant contract with the San Diego County Regional Airport Authority. I had bought a subcontracting business in 2005 with my personal savings and built it from a one-machine street sweeping business into three machines to serve multiple government, municipal, construction, and home owners association contracts. I was the only woman owned street sweeping business in San Diego County, which I state not to promote myself as special for my gender but to state that I valued my position as a solo female leader in a field that was male dominated.
I would lose the contract with the Airport for only one reason. I was blind to the husband’s habits. He chose a variety of addictions, such as lying and gambling as his form of manifestation in this reality. While some humans choose creation, he chose destruction.
I did not know at the time that my husband was a gambler, although the signs existed. I did not hate my husband even though he did speak derogatorily about me behind my back. I thought he was my best friend who had issues with truth due to a lack of masculine energy in his childhood. I thought his background of poverty was just the circumstances of his upbringing but not who he was. Yet, time would prove over and over that he preferred pretending that he was successful as opposed to being an action taker. He loved that I would provide financially while he could find reasons to disappear into his fantasy realm. For those who want to know the key to a lasting marriage, I would tell you that you must first meet in reality, not fantasy. Second, you must listen. And third, love your spouse with all your heart.
When I lost the four-year contract with the airport, I knew my business, credit, purpose, and state of well being was also derailing. I was in a state of extreme fear as I knew I was heading towards bankruptcy. Although I was Mormon at the time, I found no solace in this religion that based its faith and practice in strength and power from a wrathful male god, a patriarchal system that diminished women, and gossip. Just as men in the church chose distortion of power by authority, women in the church chose distortion of power by self appointed judgment in the form of disparaging words, which is a distorted tool of the masculine energy.